"Even if I had found a hose, I wouldn't know what to do with it"
And that is because "being as she has a gardener, she had no idea where the gardening equipment was kept."
Gardeners often keep hoses in secret hiding places. In order to secure a future full of paid mowers, gardeners keep the knowledge of how to use a garden hose to themselves. Damn you gardeners, damn you.
There was a story about a man who may have discovered a rare, new species of pig. He promptly killed the first three he saw so their DNA could be studied.
Humans are amazing. I mean it.
In more important news, I watched one of our chickens attempt a stealth attack on a ground squirrel. She snuck up and furiously pecked the mammal's bushy tail. The squirrel was unconcerned. The chicken changed tactics to an all out blitzkrieg, sending squirrel hair flying. Yet the squirrel did not move. Our hen tried a new tactic. She walked two feet away, scratched in the dirt, pecked at some food and then ran full force, flung herself in the air and divebombed the squirrel. Finally, because of the annoyance factor, the squirrel strolled slowly out of the poultry enclosure. Chickie-pie was uber-pleased with herself, and promptly took a dust-bath where the squirrel had been rooting about.