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In the news

I just ate a tomato. Raw. I'm showing The Salmonella who is boss. And it is me. The 40,000+ people afflicted with Regular Salmonella each year feel let down because they did not get to be part of The Salmonella Outbreak of April 2008-June 2008-TBD. America blames Mexico for The Salmonella. Not only are their citizens invading our country undocumented, they're sending over tainted-tomatoes! They aren't going to let some silly wall stop them.

Meanwhile, our neighbors to the north are attempting an invasion of their own, but they are missing some body parts

While we worry about The Salmonella, a thousand Zimbabweans get beaten with sticks monthly. They also worry about getting killed and stuff.  In Burma, where 130,000 people died from The Cyclone (well deserved capitalization, I think), people are apparently doing okay - "The Burmese people are used to getting nothing," says Shari Villarosa, the highest-ranking United States diplomat in Myanmar Burma. Well, sign me up for the Burma Plan of Getting Nothing, it sounds grand. China's guessing that the earthquake killed around 70,000 69,172 people. China math skills for the win. Do not be a beekeeper or forager of flowers in China, because you will be the first to go.

So, while the entire universe is spiraling into a state of utter misery because gay people are getting married in California and 383 people have been touched by The Salmonella*, we (in America) at least don't have to worry about getting blown up while enjoying a soy-caramel Freddo at Peets! That is because Peets is surrounded by anti-bomb technology. It's from the Reagan era.

If, when I typed www.photobucket.com, and was directed to the actual photobucket home page, I would make this post 100% Better with a picture of Mina or a goat baby. Even Celeste would improve this post by 85%. Alas. 

*To be honest, nearly half the population gets "touched" by cramping of the midsection every month - toughen up, people.

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( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
rozae
Jun. 19th, 2008 09:42 am (UTC)
You forgot to mention the flooding in Iowa and that big ass tornado that wiped out an entire town. These were punishments for Iowa being the birthplace of sperm banks. I'm sure Iowa has gay people, too, who are at least partially responsible for their troubles. But mostly it's just the sperm banks. Yeah. Maybe they have terrorists as well. Sperm banks, terrorists and gay people. (Oh my!)

Thanks for keeping us all up-to-date on what gay people are doing to the Earth!
lipsoflove
Jun. 19th, 2008 03:50 pm (UTC)
This is the best post I have read in quite awhile. You are one hilarious chica, my friend.
the_mikor
Jun. 19th, 2008 09:52 pm (UTC)
yanno... if the news was ALWAYS delivered like this... I might actually pay attention to it.

thanks for the update!

still no idea on why photobucket is down?
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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