"Responding resolutely to the recent wave of terrier attacks on innocent humans, US President, George W. Bush today re-affirmed the United States continued engagement in a full scale war on terriers, maintaining that they are "slowly but surely winning the battle against evil".
To a beleaguered, expectant nation longing for an end to the seemingly interminable cycle of hostility, the President stated on live television, "We must appreciate that these terrier folks are not dogs in the way Lassie is a dog or Fido is a dog... no sir - these terrier dogs are evil, cold-blooded ideologues that must be stopped. They have no respect for the dignity of human life or our individual liberty".
Political analysts had been forecasting such a pronouncement coming as it has in the wake of a spate of high profile terrier attacks in recent weeks. On July 6th, a Scotch Airsdale Terrier caused havoc in a London Tube Station when it sneaked through an inadvisably installed doggy flap at the station entrance and started barking angrily at commuters and urinating over a number of innocent people's shoes. Distraught victims are still agonising about how their shoelaces have stunk of dog piss for weeks. Tragically, many have been forced to buy new shoelaces.
Mayor of London, Ken Livingstone raged, "They can replace their shoelaces but they cannot replace the horrific memory of this brutal terrier attack. It is seared upon the collective consciousness of all us city dwellers. These were just ordinary Londoners going about their daily business, many of them dog owners themselves. It's an outrage - a bloody outrage.""
Secretary of Defence, Donald Rumsfeld, the man responsible for co-ordinating strategies of attack against the terriers remains undetered in his resolve to wipe out the threat of terriers. At a White House press conference he spoke with measured defiance, promising to "eradicate the problem of terrierism in all its most nasty and insidious guises".
Adding a note of caution, he said, "There is a misconception that terriers only strike big capital cities. Terrierism can happen anywhere. Just last week, A Yorkshire terrier was found to be growling menacingly at a group of elderly nuns on a street in Birmingham. Subsequent intelligence reports showed that, were it not for police intervening and shooting them dead, these terriers would have probably "bitten" these nuns. I have news for you people... Birmingham is not in Yorkshire, heck it's not even in Alabama. If a Yorkshire Terrier can strike outside Yorkshire, it can strike anywhere".
The US has been entangled in bloody conflict ever since the fateful terrier attacks on September 10th 2001, when a group of 10 mongrel terriers broke into both World Trade Centre towers and started tearing up important company documents with their teeth. The minutes of one insurance company's 1996 AGM was left entirely in tatters. Worse still, two terriers took a dump on a photocopier and inadvertantly pressed print. A black and white image of their faeces was reproduced on approximately 38 sheets of A4 paper. It remains the worst terrier attack in living memory.
The war has been fought on a global scale with little quarter given to dogs suspected to possess Terrier genes or families believed to be harbouring terriers as pets.
In June of last year, US Forces under Rumsfeld's unflinching guidance launched a sustained bombing campaign against an elderly Irish widow believed to be harbouring upwards of ten terriers. The woman since named as Nelly Roche, was a native of Kinsale, Co. Kerry and suffered from severe dementia and chronic arthritis. She lived alone in a small rural cottage with a vast array of animals including 4 goats, a piglet, 17 cats and 3 hens.
None, including Roche herself survived the sheer potency of the US Military's onslaught. An estimated 343 Kinsale civilians also perished, though the US government argue that that figure is closer to 200. The Coalition forces got what they wanted though - none of Roche's terriers ever stood a chance.
Since that incident, American public opinion has become ever more divided on whether or not the Bush Administration's zero tolerance stance on terriers is correct either ethically or politically.
Gas Station owner, Chip Bentley, from Pine Bluff, Arkansas believes that, "some folks ought teach them there tairiers a lesson". This statement was made while he scratched a mosquito bite on his posterior succeeding only in making the itch grow intenser while simultaneously chewing the moisture out of a blade of grass by employing three of his four teeth.
It is hardly surprising however that The Bush administration's vow to eliminate terriers has not been met with universal approval. All around the country angry student protesters along with members of animal rights groups have been voicing their outrage, with many taking to the streets.
Craig Burchill a Med student from UCLA argued, "How can Bush say he wants to kill all terriers? They're not all bad. Of course, no one wants to see a repeat of the shoelace incident in the London Tube Station or World Trade Centre Xeroxed Faeces fiasco but should innocent terriers suffer as well?! What happened to democracy people? There has got to be another way!".
Molly Cottrell of the RSPCA posed the question, "We must look at what is driving these terriers to such heinous crimes. If we don't try to understand the roots of terrierism then how can we resolve it?
She continued, "I've worked with terriers and I know for a fact many of them feel upstaged by more photogenic collies or poodles. I ask you when is the last time a terrier won first prize at a National Dog Show? Many terriers are frustrated over being perceived as fundamentally ugly dogs. It's about time we treated terriers with a little more respect - perhaps we should give them their own dog show. All I know is this issue won't be resolved through the barrell of a gun".
Author and lecturer in Political Science at Harvard University Clifford Hulme said public disharmony over US Foreign policy has recurred and will recur time and time again throughout history.
"Peoples differing attitudes towards terriers now is exactly the same as the conflicting opinion towards gorilla warfare waged against us back in Vietnam. Back then a large number of mainly liberals felt it was cruel to shoot so many gorillas whereas the staunch republican core felt it was the only action available to us in order to curb the spread of communism".
The uncompromising hunt-and-kill instructions given to police in western countries can have tragic consequences, however. Last Friday, a super-cute Labrador puppy not unlike the one from the Andrex commercial was shot by police in the head and chest 17 times (13 in head/4 in chest) when it was mistaken for a terrier. Incredibly, it did not die straight away so the police shot it a further 15 times to put it out of its misery.
Tony Blair expressed remorse for the unfortunate mix-up but urged police that "they still cannot afford to take chances with terriers and that the ultimate moral responsibilty falls on the shoulders of the terriers themselves for it is them who are causing this conflict".
Bob Graham one of the Labrador puppy's crestfallen owners said, "We cannot believe it. Bouncer II (puppy's name) was like one of the family. Luckily we managed to buy a replacement before our 8 year old son could watch the news on TV".
That was freaking hilarious. If you did not find it funny, laugh anyways - it IS funny, darnit. I mean damnit.